I just got a tumblr, which hopefully means I will cut down on unnecessay blogs here (and post them there!) bahaha, if you're interested heres the link:
How can you bear it?
I was going to get really drunk tomorrow, but instead i'm going to be responsible and finish reading chapter 20 for biology. I have a midterm on monday. Even though i've been reading since two weeks ago, i still feel behind, although i'm ahead of all m friends. I made some comment to my friend, like freaking aboutbecause I still have....(20,21,22) three chapters to go, and they said: "I HAVEN"T READ ANYTHING YET."
...geez okay sorry for freaking out.
I've been reading a lot, preparing for labs ahead of time. I did my lon capa (chemistry assignment) and I did two of m friend's assignments too... I'm feeling like a genius, so thats good. I used to be really smart, then I started smoking pot, falling in love with girls and crying alone in my room.
I guess i stilll do 2/3 of those things, but i'm living a straight-edge type life style now, i doon't feel the need to drink or smoke anymore. and i suppose i'm trying to cut out negative thoughts and feelings of want and need that i obviously can't ever have for someone because its so unbelievably unrealistic.
anywho, ranty rant rant.
until next time,
x
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
delusions
For the past week or so I've been having dreams that take place in my Yin-yin's old house. And also, where she is present. It's somewhat comforting and reverts me back to the days before Alzheimers took over. I remember the years leading up to her dianoses and how we thought she was just being quirky or funny... one time she gave me her sock and made me hide it. I tried giving it back to her but she slapped my hand and mumbled something in chinese. I still have it... I can't bring myself to throw it out?
When I wake up from these dreams its kind of sad.
as with most dreams.
I keep reflecting on the past couple years and how delusional I have been , or am.
I used to believe so strongly, only to have that belief crushed. I even fooled other people to believe my delusions. I calculated and dissected everything so it was in my favour , and sometimes I would exclude the truth or certain conversations - or i'd simply forget them and put them out of my mind.
This terrifys me.
I had it in my mind that a certain person felt the same way as I. There were so many hints. Flirting, physical contact, flirting, needyness and jealousy of other people close to me. Which all added up to, this person obviously likes me. I'm not sure if i'm completely wrong and part of me wants to believe that i'm not so delusional and retarded to make up such a story; and to have such intense feelings for someone and they weren't returned. it felt so real.
I blame myself for hurting over the loss of a best friend and a fling/attraction/relationship/whatever it was....and passing off all these feelings on my new friend.
That's not the way to get over someone.
Prom night I drunkenly told them my feelings, that have passed and that they're beautiful and they should stop putting themselves down... they nodded in agreement as if they knew this whole time. Its humiliating. Why couldn't they just shut me down once and for all? Shoot the puppy in the head with the broken leg, you know, that kind of thing?
This summer, with this friend I foolishly tried to make a move on them. I'm over them, and we're really goodfriends but it doesn't take away from the fact that i'm foolish... I just wanted something I never got to have/experience.
My other friend that I drew into this hates my other friend (something I can never tell them - why) because of how i was 'led on' .
Was I led on?
Or am I just really fucking delusional?
..........
When I wake up from these dreams its kind of sad.
as with most dreams.
I keep reflecting on the past couple years and how delusional I have been , or am.
I used to believe so strongly, only to have that belief crushed. I even fooled other people to believe my delusions. I calculated and dissected everything so it was in my favour , and sometimes I would exclude the truth or certain conversations - or i'd simply forget them and put them out of my mind.
This terrifys me.
I had it in my mind that a certain person felt the same way as I. There were so many hints. Flirting, physical contact, flirting, needyness and jealousy of other people close to me. Which all added up to, this person obviously likes me. I'm not sure if i'm completely wrong and part of me wants to believe that i'm not so delusional and retarded to make up such a story; and to have such intense feelings for someone and they weren't returned. it felt so real.
I blame myself for hurting over the loss of a best friend and a fling/attraction/relationship/whatever it was....and passing off all these feelings on my new friend.
That's not the way to get over someone.
Prom night I drunkenly told them my feelings, that have passed and that they're beautiful and they should stop putting themselves down... they nodded in agreement as if they knew this whole time. Its humiliating. Why couldn't they just shut me down once and for all? Shoot the puppy in the head with the broken leg, you know, that kind of thing?
This summer, with this friend I foolishly tried to make a move on them. I'm over them, and we're really goodfriends but it doesn't take away from the fact that i'm foolish... I just wanted something I never got to have/experience.
My other friend that I drew into this hates my other friend (something I can never tell them - why) because of how i was 'led on' .
Was I led on?
Or am I just really fucking delusional?
..........
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
to sum up the last three days
I love my best friend.
I love tegan and sara.
I'd say i'm in love with sara quin, but that's creepy and awkward.
Toronto train/bus/subway stations are very very confusing.
I don't mind eight hour bus rides.
I like being alone with my thoughts.
I like being in a new city.
It was a good experience :)
Oh, and I spent $105 on tegan and sara merch.
hehe :)
I love tegan and sara.
I'd say i'm in love with sara quin, but that's creepy and awkward.
Toronto train/bus/subway stations are very very confusing.
I don't mind eight hour bus rides.
I like being alone with my thoughts.
I like being in a new city.
It was a good experience :)
Oh, and I spent $105 on tegan and sara merch.
hehe :)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
ivory lines lead...
Oh, instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling
They don't tell you what
You know you should want
--
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. I have class, a three hour lab, an eight hour bus ride and finally, hopefully sleep.
I'm going to see tegan and sara in Toronto! RAAAAAAAAAAAH
and i'm vair excited to see my bestest friend !!! :) <3
--
Today, I checked my facebook , and the guy that i've been hanging out with/dating is now in an 'open relationship' with his (ex) girlfriend.
So, that's cool? I can't really say i'm upset, because I'm not. I just feel like I should be. The truth of the matter is, ever since I found out that we were in fact going on a date, i lost interest and felt really awkward around him...and have kind of been avoiding him.
He's a good friend. But i'm not going to fool around with someone in an 'open relationship'.
Yay for ALWAYS being second best.
I feel like one of those things business people have sitting on their desks... with the metal balls hanging from a string, and you pull one ball away and let it hit all the others...and they just keep going back and forth..
that's me.
pachum
You shouldn't think what you're feeling
They don't tell you what
You know you should want
--
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. I have class, a three hour lab, an eight hour bus ride and finally, hopefully sleep.
I'm going to see tegan and sara in Toronto! RAAAAAAAAAAAH
and i'm vair excited to see my bestest friend !!! :) <3
--
Today, I checked my facebook , and the guy that i've been hanging out with/dating is now in an 'open relationship' with his (ex) girlfriend.
So, that's cool? I can't really say i'm upset, because I'm not. I just feel like I should be. The truth of the matter is, ever since I found out that we were in fact going on a date, i lost interest and felt really awkward around him...and have kind of been avoiding him.
He's a good friend. But i'm not going to fool around with someone in an 'open relationship'.
Yay for ALWAYS being second best.
I feel like one of those things business people have sitting on their desks... with the metal balls hanging from a string, and you pull one ball away and let it hit all the others...and they just keep going back and forth..
that's me.
pachum
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
KeyFurr Hayes
That's the name of a boy I went to grade school with, spelled a little different.. but thats how you say it.
KH was a weird kid from the beginning. He loved pokemon, racing in the court yard. He was kind of a weird kid. Kids in the older grades would make fun of him and call him "frog boy". He had interesting facial expressions, some that resembled a frog.
KH used to live a few blocks away from me. As we grew up he became an alright guy, still weird, but alright.
I've recently seen him and he doesn't weight lifting. He's ripped. But it doesn't suit him.
I wonder if he's only so ripped to make up for all the times he was made fun of in grade school for being scrawny and weird. I wonder why he wants to be so unattractively strong.
I wonder if other people think of other people this way.
I hope you get everything you want in life Hayes, maybe one day we'll meet again.
KH was a weird kid from the beginning. He loved pokemon, racing in the court yard. He was kind of a weird kid. Kids in the older grades would make fun of him and call him "frog boy". He had interesting facial expressions, some that resembled a frog.
KH used to live a few blocks away from me. As we grew up he became an alright guy, still weird, but alright.
I've recently seen him and he doesn't weight lifting. He's ripped. But it doesn't suit him.
I wonder if he's only so ripped to make up for all the times he was made fun of in grade school for being scrawny and weird. I wonder why he wants to be so unattractively strong.
I wonder if other people think of other people this way.
I hope you get everything you want in life Hayes, maybe one day we'll meet again.
Monday, January 11, 2010
hard times I could stomach, with you by my side
Yesterday my uncle was over doing renovations on my house. I wanted to show him my new guitar, we talked about George Harrison and the beatles, and how my guitar is similar to his (George is actually the power jet.. but close enough).
My mom didn't seem upset at all that I blew all my money on this guitar, and I didn't even pay for part of my tuition like I said I would. I will, in time. In my defense she never asked me for a dollar amount, but I was being selfish, and I WILL pay her back. She was in fact, really really happy.
Regardless, she said to my uncle,
"I'm glad Lauren bought this guitar. It's nice hearing her play in her room late at night, I think it relaxes her and calms her down before bed. Most people resort to drinking or drugs up in their room - alone. I'm glad she has this."
I wanted to cry, because I have drank alone in my room and done drugs in there countless times.
How long can I keep everyone fooled?
I don't want to anymore.
I'm done with the drugs and the drinking, but i'm beginning to think that certain members of my family are catching on to my strange habits, my interests and adding it all together... I suppose my family is supportive, but it's not something I want to deal with now. I know there will be disappointment, blame, and my mom wondering if its her fault for not holding together a damaging marriage.
In time.
My mom didn't seem upset at all that I blew all my money on this guitar, and I didn't even pay for part of my tuition like I said I would. I will, in time. In my defense she never asked me for a dollar amount, but I was being selfish, and I WILL pay her back. She was in fact, really really happy.
Regardless, she said to my uncle,
"I'm glad Lauren bought this guitar. It's nice hearing her play in her room late at night, I think it relaxes her and calms her down before bed. Most people resort to drinking or drugs up in their room - alone. I'm glad she has this."
I wanted to cry, because I have drank alone in my room and done drugs in there countless times.
How long can I keep everyone fooled?
I don't want to anymore.
I'm done with the drugs and the drinking, but i'm beginning to think that certain members of my family are catching on to my strange habits, my interests and adding it all together... I suppose my family is supportive, but it's not something I want to deal with now. I know there will be disappointment, blame, and my mom wondering if its her fault for not holding together a damaging marriage.
In time.
Friday, January 8, 2010
A little update
Love:
I confronted the boy, we are going on a 'date' , and he's single.
That was supposed to be today, but i canceled so I could hangout with my best friend who's leaving tomorrow, (back to university) and also so I could hangout with my cousins tonight.
And finally, because I freak out about dates, like I always do...
I'm incredibly terrified of commitment, that's wrong, I'm really only terrified of commitment with most people.
There's been times where I could see myself settling down and being completely committed to someone, but never in a relationship have I felt that way. Perhaps it's just some nice idea I have in my head..or some unrelenting attraction.
Monies:
I splurged on the Gretsch. I went to the states to buy it and found the guitar I wanted on clearance for $100 off. It was missing a knob and the strap buttons, but that's an easy fix and I already have extra knobs from my guitar project a year ago.
Anywho, with taxes, the exchange rate and paying duty across the border I spent around $800, which is a lot less than what I would have paid here. I wish I could have bought in Canadian and buy locally, but those dbags overcharged me anyway.
Here's some porn:
I confronted the boy, we are going on a 'date' , and he's single.
That was supposed to be today, but i canceled so I could hangout with my best friend who's leaving tomorrow, (back to university) and also so I could hangout with my cousins tonight.
And finally, because I freak out about dates, like I always do...
I'm incredibly terrified of commitment, that's wrong, I'm really only terrified of commitment with most people.
There's been times where I could see myself settling down and being completely committed to someone, but never in a relationship have I felt that way. Perhaps it's just some nice idea I have in my head..or some unrelenting attraction.
Monies:
I splurged on the Gretsch. I went to the states to buy it and found the guitar I wanted on clearance for $100 off. It was missing a knob and the strap buttons, but that's an easy fix and I already have extra knobs from my guitar project a year ago.
Anywho, with taxes, the exchange rate and paying duty across the border I spent around $800, which is a lot less than what I would have paid here. I wish I could have bought in Canadian and buy locally, but those dbags overcharged me anyway.
Here's some porn:
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